How many times have you lost your cool? I know I certainly have way too many to count! And I always feel awful when I've screamed at my kids. Probably worse than they have felt. So what can we all do differently?
Let's start with what happens when we lose our cool. When we are calm, the cortex of our brain, which controls our rational thinking is connected to our mid brain, which controls our emotions. When we "flip our lids", there is a disconnect between these two parts of our brain, and our emotions take over. Until we can calm down and reconnect our rational and emotional parts of our brain, we are like wild animals. If you want to see this explanation of the brain and learn more about the science behind "flipping your lid", watch Dr. Daniel Speigel's youtube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-lfP1FBFk&feature=youtu.be ... it's less than 3 minutes long!
So what can we do?
When we and our kids are calm, we can explain what happens when we lose our cool to our kids. A good visual of this is going from a closed fist to holding your four fingers straight up in the air - this is a signal that you have flipped your lid. They can also use this with you when they become angry.
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The next step is to go to a place where you can calm down. You should think about where this might be when you are calm, and explain to your kids when you "flip your lid", that is where you will go to calm yourself down. You can also help them think about where they will go when they need to calm down.
After you (or they) have calmed down, you can then come together and talk about what happened. You can calmly talk about what can be done differently next time. The more you use this technique, the more they will too, as you are modeling the behavior you want them to learn.
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This won't stop you or your children from losing their cool. It will help you take responsibility for your actions, and learn to work together to solve problems in a calm way. We all do better when we feel better.
This is one of the many tools you can learn with Parenting the Positive Discipline Way. If you would like to learn more, please come to a free introductory class or sign up for a six-week parenting class - visit www.positivedisciplinewesternct.org
Next free introductory classes will be held:
Monday, August 19, 7-9PM at Brookfield Library, pre-registration required to hilarybenami@gmail.com. Geared to parents of Tweens!
Wednesday, August 21, 7-9PM at Brookfield Town-School Office, 100 Pocono Road, Room 133 Curriculum Room, pre-registration required to carol@positivedisciplinewesternct.org
