-Half empty bottle of Gatorade - This half-empty bottle of blue Gatorade harkens back to a simpler time when Rich could afford Gatorade. Purchased in September of 2010, it’s been aging under the passenger seat to give it a warmth that accentuates the rich notes of corn syrup and Blue 5. If you’re in need of electrolytes or would like to appear as if you’ve worked out in the past five months, this is a great item.
-Those Paper Mats they Put On the Floor when they Change the Oil (Set of 1 and 1/3) - On a wet and overcast morning of November 2010, Rich brought his car in for an oil change. In the following months, he would proceed to use the car as if they weren’t even there. Now torn, stained and under-appreciated, these paper mats need a new home. Put them in your car for a “broken-in,” rustic charm or in your office as “modern art” wall hangings.
-The Incredible Missing Book! - Own a part of history! This is the very copy of Jane Eyre Rich needed to write a paper about before it suddenly went missing. Rather than look for the book at all, Rich decided to just go ahead and write the paper anyway, which earned him a D. Had Rich known this mysterious relic was under the driver’s seat, blocked by a McDonald’s bag, could things have been different? Probably not.
-Printed-Out Directions - Do you need to get to Rich’s girlfriend’s aunt’s lake house? If you start from his house, THESE DIRECTIONS WILL GET YOU THERE! Got a job interview at the Little & Hannitty Law Firm? Well, these will do if you don’t mind being 15 minutes late after a couple of wrong turns (please keep in mind they won’t interview you if you show up late).
-One Shoe - Only got one shoe but need two? Then this shoe’s for you!
-The Source of that Horrible Odor - How would you like to own something so mysterious, so perplexing and so downright pungent that Rich considered selling his car entirely just to be rid of it? Then this rotting pomegranate is for you! Upon learning of pomegranates’ nutritional value, he picked one up on the way to work, only to discover they’re almost impossible to eat! Now, after spending eight months in the trunk somehow, the odor is over but the legend lives on!
-Unopened Copy of John Mellencamp 1994 Album “Dance Naked” - Purchased from a bargain bin at a Strawberries that was going out of business, this album represents Rich’s pathetic attempt to “get into” John Mellencamp. Because he forgot about it within a day of its purchase, it is still in mint condition, though the outside plastic wrap has had coffee spilled on it several times. Features such tracks as “Brothers,” “L.U.V.” and “The Big Jack,” some of which might be pretty good, but since Rich still has a hard time even differentiating between Mellencamp and Bruce Springsteen, who knows.
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