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Health & Fitness

Remembering 9/11

It is normal to feel fear and sorrow and anger in the moment, but it is how we respond that determines the true damage inflicted.

I was 4 years old on November 22, 1963. On that ordinary Friday, I was home with my mother and baby brother. I was stretched out on the floor with my coloring books in front of the TV. My mother was ironing and watching one of her soap operas. I don’t specifically remember the reporter coming on to announce that President Kennedy had been assassinated, but I do very clearly remember my mother’s reaction. She gasped, dropped her iron, sank into a chair and began to cry. 

In the somber days that followed, she barely moved from the TV, glued to the events as they unfolded. Both of my parents cried as they watched the funeral. It is my earliest memory that I can connect to a particular event. I didn’t fully understand what had happened, but I took my cues from my parents and felt sorrow and fear.

Fast forward 38 years. On 9/11/01, my oldest son was likewise 4 years old and my twins were 1-1/2. We were living on Long Island at the time and spent that long, difficult day with a neighbor whose husband was in lower Manhattan (he was safe).  Though very young, our combined five children seemed to sense that something major had happened. Instead of the normal raucous behavior, they played quietly in the next room all afternoon. In the days that followed, I never strayed far from a TV, which endlessly replayed the events of that day. And like every parent in America, I lingered long each night when I tucked my children into bed. I have no doubt that my children took many cues from me, as I did so long ago from my parents.

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As we approach the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, there will be very near blanket coverage of the events of that day. It will be THE topic of conversation on TV, radio, internet, in churches and in classrooms. Each of us will decide how much we want to address this issue with our children. But we should remember that however much we may think we are protecting our children from the big, bad, scary world, they are remarkably adept at skirting our filters. They will catch snippets of conversation from TV or adults, they will see a newspaper headline, they will hear a story from a classmate about someone who died in the twin towers. With or without our help, they will develop a narrative about 9/11 and feelings to go with it. And not having mom and dad to talk to about it can be even scarier than the event itself. We should not underestimate our children's capacity for absorbing and internalizing fear and doubt and confusion.

We all know the best way to deal with difficult subjects is simply, openly and honestly. This anniversary is a perfect time to open a discussion with our children about 9/11. Enough time has passed for us to have developed some reasoned perspective. Yet it remains a part of our national fabric as well as a part of their lives. It is good for our children to hear from us what happened that day and how we felt about it. Fear and grief and anger are strong and difficult emotions, and I believe it is helpful for children to hear how we navigated those troubled waters.  Parents are a child’s first and best teachers and we have this chance to not only impart living history, but to do so in a personal and meaningful way.

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There are also practical reasons to talk to our children about these events. Our children are growing up in a post-9/11 world. They have never boarded an airplane without taking off their shoes, there have been American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan as long as they can remember, and men with turbans and beards are viewed with suspicion and an element of fear. They know if they see an unattended bag sitting on a sidewalk, they should tell a policeman. They know their every move is recorded as they move about in public places. They never knew a time before these things were part of their reality. Talking about 9/11 helps them to understand how and why we got here.

In our house, 9/11 is a day of mourning and remembrance. It is very difficult to find meaning in such a senseless act, but we’ve made a point of visiting Ground Zero on or near 9/11 each year. We do this to remember what happened there, but also to observe and acknowledge the resilience of humans to overcome even the most catastrophic events. From a pile of rubble 10 years ago, the Freedom Tower is now rising. The permanent memorial will open this year and the reflecting pools will be available for people to gather and remember. We were laid low that day, but we got back up and figured out a way to move forward. Maybe that is the most important message we have to deliver.

If past is prologue, our children will certainly face catastrophic events in their own times. Every generation seems to have at least one. Each of these events changes us in ways that are both obvious and subtle. Our children are already living with the consequences of 9/11, both good and bad. Perhaps the message for our children is that even the most horrendous of tragedies can be overcome. That the focus needs to be on what happens on the other side of a tragedy. That it is normal to feel fear and sorrow and anger in the moment, but it is how we respond that determines the true damage inflicted. If they understand how we got to where we are, maybe it will help them, when their time comes, to figure out where we are going.

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