A Shiksa Reflects on Bar Mitzvah

We are a mixed marriage. My husband is Jewish and I am Catholic. When we decided to raise our children Jewish, my frame of reference was largely Fiddler on the Roof.  Now, as I begin preparation for my twin’s B’nei Mitzvah (plural of Bar Mitzvah), I look back with bemusement at my education.

My oldest son became a Bar Mitzvah two years ago.  That was my first lesson.  I talked about him “making his Bar Mitzvah.”  In fact, he is the Bar Mitzvah.  A girl becomes a Bat Mitzvah and my twins become B’nei Mitzvah.  They become adults in the eyes of the Jewish community.

The journey to Bar Mitzvah began with Religious School.  After much research, we joined the United Jewish Center in Danbury.  Not being Jewish, I was nervous about joining. This proved unnecessary since we are one of many interfaith families.  The UJC welcomed us with open arms and have become our extended family.

While the teachers worked with my children, I was also patiently taught a whole new vocabulary (tallit, bimah, aliyah, say what?).  This was all entertaining until my son turned twelve, and I realized those unfamiliar words led to actions.  I had previously attended four B’nei Mitzvah, which included parties bigger than my wedding. The idea of planning this event, to say the least, was intimidating.

With no prior experience, I focused on the party.  While my son diligently learned his Torah and Haftarah portions, I stressed over menus, invitations and napkin colors.  I logged many hours visiting banquet halls, talking to DJs, and asking advice from experienced parents.  Ultimately, I copied the exact party plan from another family- thank you Karen and Mike!

In the weeks leading to the big day, I busied myself with table decorations, seating diagrams and catering arrangements.  I was all about that perfect party.   I thought that was what mattered most to my son.

Along the way, my son became my instructor, teaching me prayers and songs in Hebrew so I could actively participate.  I was amazed at the hard work he put into his learning, and was simply stunned when he asked for additional service/prayer-leading responsibilities one week before the event.

Focused as I was on party preparation, I almost missed the real significance of the occasion.  I can remember the exact moment when I “got it.” With my family on the bimah, Rabbi handed the Torah to my father-in-law, who handed it to my husband, who handed it to our son.  I could almost hear Tevya singing “Tradition” as I wiped tears from my eyes.  It was then I understood that my son had accomplished something wonderful and had become a full participant in a rich heritage.

This time, my emphasis will be on helping my twins recognize the significance of their studies.  The process of becoming a Bar Mitzvah is very demanding and time consuming.  But every child I know who has gone through this process states unequivocally that meeting those demands was the most rewarding part.  My son often tells me that he would love to do that day again only for the service. 
We could have gone out for hot dogs afterward (kosher, of course) and the event would have been just as profound.

In this world where the lines between childhood and adulthood are increasingly blurred, how fortunate that religion still affords our children these important rites of passage to mark their progress.  I believe it is important to recognize and cherish these moments.  The party will be fine whatever I do.  This time, I plan to fully celebrate the real significance of the occasion, as a genuine achievement in my children’s journey through life. L’chaim!

If you would like information about the UJC Religious School, please contact Daryl Bain, Director of Education at the UJC at EdDir@UnitedJewishCenter.org, 203-743-1180.