It's tailgate season, baby.

It's also football season, in case you hadn't noticed. Most people don't.

Now, I'm no tailgate expert, but I've been around the proverbial block a few times in my day. Let me tell you: I have seen stuff go down at a tailgate party that would make even the most seasoned tailgater drop his brat and call his mama. That's why I stand here before you today (I'm inside your computer!). I want you to have the best possible experience at your next tailgate. For that to happen you need to stay safe, be responsible and listen to my frantic warnings.

These are my Do's and Don'ts of Tailgating.

Do: Share some of your food with guests and friends.

Don't: Fill a t-shirt cannon full of sausage and shoot them at unwitting passers by. Sure, it's nice to want to share, but the pressure of those cannons is immense: I once saw a CheddarWurst take a guy's ear off. If you insist on doing something like this, slingshots are a nice, safer alternative.


Do: Play some rockin' tunes at a moderate volume.

Don't: Form a one-man-band, a la Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, in order to entertain your fellow tailgaters. I have to admit: I've fallen prey to this one myself. The truth of the matter is that people will love it. The problem is that you won't. The large drum alone is going to give your back fits for weeks, and the cymbals between your knees tend to dig into your bone. If you really want to provide some live entertainment, I'd suggest just bringing a guitar. But then, of course, everyone will hate you.

Do: Toss a football around with some friends.

Don't: Play Tetherball with some friends. If you've been to a tailgate at, say, a Jets or Giants game, you know that there are fairly narrows walkways between rows of cars. I have seen tetherball poles set up directly in the middle of these walkways. Look, everyone loves tetherball, but the risks are just too great: one whack at the ball can clear out an entire bowl of potato salad, or worse, a glass of beer. 

Do: Have a friendly and good-hearted arm wrestling match with a fan of the opposing team.

Don't: Seriously injure or kill a fan of the opposing team. Not much more needs to be said here, but it happens far more often than anyone would like to admit. If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone try to slowly run over an opposing fan with their truck, well, let's just say I wouldn't be stealing gas anymore.

Do: Clean up your spot when the tailgating comes to a close.

Don't: Attract wildlife with your garbage. Birds, deer, wild dogs; I've seen it all, man. Not many people know this, but once you attract a wild animal to your tailgate spot, it officially becomes your responsibility. I have a friend who is now the proud owner of 12 pigeons, three raccoons and a fox. To put it another way: when the EPA has to get involved, you've probably made too much of a mess.

So there you are, gang: my Do's and Don'ts for this tailgate season. I wish you nothing but safe and happy times out there this year.